All right Charlie.
-That the joint? Who runs it? -l already told you.
-Refresh my memory. -Spats Colombo.
-What's the password? -"I've come to Grandma's funeral."
-Your admission card. -Thanks Charlie.
lf you want a ringside table just say you're a pallbearer.
We're all set. Whens the kickoff?
I'd better blow. lf Colombo sees me it's goodbye Charlie.
Goodbye Charlie.
Give me five minutes then hit 'em with everything you got.
You betcha.
Good evening sir.
I'm Mr Mozarella. What can l do for you?
I've come to the old lady's funeral.
l haven't seen you at our services before.
-No I've been on the wagon. -Please.
Where is the wake? I'm one of the pallbearers.
Show the gentleman into the chapel. Pew number three.
Yes Mr Mozarella. This way sir.
Well if you gotta go that's the way to do it.
Follow me please.
-What'll it be sir? -Booze.
-Sorry. We only serve coffee. -Coffee?
Scotch coffee Canadian coffee sour mash coffee...
Scotch. Make it a demitasse with soda on the side.
Wait a minute. Haven't you got a pew not so close to the band?
How about that one over there?
Sorry but that's reserved for members of the immediate family.
Oops.
Hey l want another cup of coffee.
Better bring a check in case the joint is raided.
-Who's gonna raid a funeral? -Some people don't respect the dead.
Say Joe. Tonight's the night isn't it?
-I'll say. -No tonight we get paid.
-Why? -I've got to see a dentist tomorrow.
You wanna blow your first week's pay on your teeth?
Just a filling. Doesn't have to be gold.
How can you be so selfish? We owe rent. We owe $89 to Moe's Delicatessen.
The Chinese laundry is suing us. We owe money to every girl in the line.
You're right.
Tomorrow we'll pay everyone something on account.
No. Tomorrow we go to the dog track and bet it all on Greased Lightning.
-You'd bet my money on a dog? -He's a shoo-in.
Max the waiter knows the electrician that wires the rabbit.
-What are you givin' me with a rabbit? -The odds are 10 to 1 .
Suppose he loses.
Why worry? This job'll last a long time.
-Suppose it doesn't. -Jerry boy why paint everyzhing black?
Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes.
Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks.
Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn.
Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Well don't look now but the whole town is underwater.
Four,
three,
two,
one.
All right everybody. This is a raid.
I'm a federal agent. You're all under arrest.
l want another cup of coffee.
All right Spats.
-The services are over. Let's go. -Go where?
A country club for retired bootleggers. I'm puttin' you up for membership.
-l don't join nothin'. -Oh you'll like it there.
I'll get the prison tailor to fit you with a pair of special spats -striped.
Big joke. What's the rap this time?
Embalming people with coffee. 86 proof.
Me? I'm just a customer.
Oh come on Spats. We know you own the joint.
Mozarella's just frontin' for you.
-Mozarella? Never heard of him. -We got different information.
From who? Toothpick Charlie maybe?
Toothpick Charlie? Never heard of him.
Buttermilk.
Too smart to drink your own stuff huh?
Come on. On your feet.
-You're wastin' the taxpayers' money. -Call your lawyer if you wanna.
These are my lawyers. All Harvard men.
l wan' another cuppa coffee.
That solves one problem. Now we don't have to worry about who to pay first.
-Quiet. I'm thinking. -The landlady will lock us out.
At Moe's Deli no more knockwurst on credit.
We can't borrow from the girls -they're on the way to jail.
l wonder how much Sam the bookie will give us for our overcoats.
Sam the bookie? Nothin' doin'. You're not puttin' my overcoat on a dog.
-Jerry l told you it's a sure thing. -We will freeze.
lt is below zero. We'll get pneumonia.
Look stupid he's 10-1 . Tomorrow we'll have 20 overcoats.
Greased Lightning.
I oughta have my head examined.
I thought you weren't talkin' to me.
The bull fiddle's dressed warmer than I am.
-Anyzhing today? -Nothing.
Thank you.
-Anyzhing today? -Nothing.
Thank you.
l can't go on Joe.
I'm weak from hunger l got a fever l got a hole in my shoe...
lf you gave me a chance we could be living like kings.
-How? -There's a dog running in the third.
Galloping Ghost.
He's 1 5-1 and it's his kind of a track. He's a real mudder.
What do you want from me? My head on a plate?
No your bass. lf we hock that and my sax...
Are you crazy? We're up the creek and you wanna hock the paddle.
All right go ahead and starve. What do l care? Freeze.
-Anyzhing today? -Oh it's you.
Well you've got a lot of nerve.
Thank you.
Joe. Come back here.
Nellie baby if it's about Saturday night l can explain.
What a heel. l spend $4 to get my hair marcelled,
l buy me a brand-new negligee,
l bake him a great big pizza pie.
-And where were you? -Where were you?
-With you. -Me?
Remember? You had this bad tooth.
lt was impacted. His jaw was swoll out.
lt was?
Oh yeah.
-l took him for a blood transfusion. -We have the same type blood.
-Type O. -Oh?
-I'll make it up to you. -You're makin' it up pretty good so far.
As soon as we get a job I'll take you to the swellest restaurant in town.
How about it? Has Poliakoff got anyzhing for us? We're desperate.
Well it just so happens he is looking for a bass.
And a sax.
Right?
Right.
-What's the job? -Three weeks in Florida.
At the Seminole-Ritz in Miami. Transportation and expenses all paid.
Isn't she a bit of terrific? Let's see Poliakoff.
-He's busy. You'll have to wait boys. -All right we'll wait.
Look Gladys it's three weeks in Florida.
Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators.
They need a couple of girls on sax and bass.
Whaddaya mean who is it? It's Poliakoff. l got a job for ya.
Gladys. Are ya there?
Gladys!
Meshugeneh. Played 112 hours at a marathon dance.
Now she's in bed with nervous collapse.
-Tell her to move over. -And Cora Jackson?
Last l heard she was playin' with the Salvation Army.
Drexel 9044.
Those idiot broads.
Here we are packed and ready to leave for Miami and what happens?
The sax runs off with a Bible salesman and the bass gets pregnant.
Bienstock l oughta fire you.
Me? I'm the manager not the night watchman.
Hello. Let me talk to Bessie Malone.
What's she doing in Philadelphia?
On the level?
Bessie let her hair grow and is playing with Stokowski.
-Black Bottom Bessie? -Schpielt zich mit der Philharmonic.
How about Rosemary Schultz?
Slashed her wrists when Valentino died.
We might as well do the same if we don't find two dames by tonight.
We don't care where you find them. Just get them on that train by 8 o'clock.
The moment anyzhing turns up I'll give you a tinkle.
Bye Sig. l wonder if I've got room for another ulcer.
Nellie get me long-distance.
-Sig we wanna talk to you. -About the Florida job.
-Nellie told us about it. -Not too late are we?
What are ya? Comedians? Get out.
The William Morris Agency in New York.
-You need a bass and a sax? -The instruments are right but you're not.
I wanna speak to Mr Morris.
-What's wrong with us? -You're the wrong shape.
What do you want? Hunchbacks?
-It's not the backs that worry me. -What kind of a band is it?
-You gotta be under 25. -We could pass for that.
-And blond. -We could dye our hair.
And you gotta be girls.
No we couldn't.
-Mr William Morris. -You mean this is a girls' band?
Yeah. Good old Nellie. l could wring her neck.
Let's talk this over. Why couldn't we do it?
When we worked in the gypsy tearoom we wore gold earrings.
When you booked us with the Hawaiian band we wore grass skirts.
-What's with him? He drinks? -No he ain't eatin' so good.
His empty stomach has gone to his head.
Joe three weeks in Florida.
We could borrow clothes from the chorus girls.
-You've flipped your wig. -Now you're talking.
We get second-hand wigs a little padding.
We call ourselves Josephine and Geraldine.
Josephine and Geraldine... Come on.
lf you wanna pick up a little money tonight,
at the University of lllinois they're havin' a St Valentine's dance.
-We'll take it. -$6 a man. Be on the campus at Urbana at 8 o'clock.
All the way to Urbana for a one-night stand?
It's $12. We can get one of the overcoats out of hock.
Hello. Mr Morris? This is Poliakoff in Chicago.
You don't have two girl musicians available do you?
A sax player and a bass?
-lf William Morris doesn't come through... -Come on Geraldine.
It's 100 miles. It's snowin' outside. How do we get there?
-I'll find something. -Like what?
Don't crowd me.
-How'd it go girls? -I oughta wring your neck.
Please Jerry. That's no way to talk.
Nellie baby what are you doin' tonight?
-Tonight? Why? -Cos I've got some plans.
-I'm not doing anything. -Really?
l just thought I'd go home and have some cold pizza.
Then you'll be in all evening?
Yes Joe.
Good. Then you won't be needing your car.
My car? Why you...
Isn't he a bit of terrific?
We coulda had three weeks in Florida all expenses paid.
Lyin' in the sun palm trees flyin' fish...
Knock it off will ya?
Possible straight possible nothing and a pair of eights.
All right drop 'em you guys.
-Drop what? -We came for a car.
-Oh yeah? -Yeah. Nellie Weinmeyer's car.
Musicians.
Wise guys.
OK let's go. Aces bet.
It's a '25 Hupmobile green coupe... sir.
-It's over here. -Yeah over here.
-Want some gas? -Yeah about 40 cents' worth please.
-Put it on Miss Weinmeyer's bill? -Yeah. Why not?
And while you're at it fill it up.
All right everybody. Hands up.
Face the wall.
You too Toothpick.
Come on.
Hey. Join us.
OK boss.
Hello Charlie. Long time no see.
-Spats what are you doin' here? -l just dropped in to pay my respects.
-You don't owe me nothin'. -l wouldn't say that.
You recommended my mortuary to your friends.
-l don't know what you mean. -Now l got all those coffins on my hands.
-l hate to see 'em go to waste. -l had nothin' to do with it.
Too bad Charlie. You woulda had three eights.
-Goodbye Charlie. -No Spats no.
No Spats. Please no.
l think I'm gonna be sick.
All right come on outta there.
Come on.
-We didn't see anyzhing. Did we? -What? No. Not a thing.
Besides it's none of our business if you guys wanna bump each other off.
Say... Don't l know you two from somewhere?
Oh no. We're just a couple of musicians.
We came to pick up a car. Nellie Weinmeyer's car.
There's a dance tonight.
-Come on Jerry. -Wait a minute.
Where do you think you're goin'?
Urbana. It's about 100 miles from here...
You're not goin' nowhere.
-We're not? -l don't like no witnesses.
-We won't breathe a word. -You won't breathe nothin'.
Not even air.
All right boys let's blow out of here. We'll take care of those guys later.
l think they got me.
-They got the bull fiddle. -No blood?
lf they catch us there'll be blood all over. Type O. Come on.
-Where are you running? -As far away as possible.
It's not far enough. Those guys know us.
Every hood in Chicago will be after us.
Quick gimme a nickel.
You're gonna call the police?
We'd never live to testify against Spats Colombo.
We gotta get out of town. We could grow beards.
We will get out of town but we're gonna shave.
At a time like this? They wanna blast our heads off and you wanna shave.
-Shave our legs stupid. -Shave our legs...?
Hello. Mr Poliakoff?
l understand you're looking for a couple of girl musicians.
Florida Limited leaving on track one for Washington,
Charleston Savannah Jacksonville and Miami.
All aboard.
What now?
How do they keep their balance in these things?
Must be the way the weight is distributed. Now come on.
lt is so draughty.
They must catch cold all the time.
-Quit stalling. We'll miss the train. -l feel naked.
-l feel like everybody's starin' at me. -With those legs? Are you crazy?
It's no use. We're not gonna get away with it Joe.
My name is Josephine and this was your idea in the first place.
Look at that. Look how she moves.
That's just like Jell-O on springs.
They must have some sort of built-in motor or something.
l tell ya it's a whole different sex.
Nobody's asking you to have a baby.
As soon as we're in Florida we'll blow this whole setup.
You will not talk me into...
Extra. Extra. Seven slaughtered in North Side garage.
Fear of bloody aftermath. Extra. Extra.
-You talked me into it. Let's go. -Attagirl Geraldine.
-Rosella. -Fiddle.
-Move along Dolores. -Trombone.
-Hey Olga how's your back? -Trumpet.
-Here we are. -Are you two from the Poliakoff Agency?
-Yes. We're the new girls. -Brand new.
This is our manager Mr Bienstock.
And I'm Sweet Sue.
My name is Josephine.
I'm Daphne.
Saxophone bass. Am l glad to see you girls. You saved our lives.
Likewise I'm sure.
Where did you girls play before?
Here there and... around and...
We spent three years at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music.
All aboard.
You're in berths 7 and 7A.
7 and 7A.
-Thanks ever so. -You're welcome.
Oh. The feeling's mutual.
-Upsy-daisy. -Fresh.
Looks like Poliakoff sent a couple of real ladies.
You'd better tell the other girls to watch their language.
What are you...?
Daphne?
l never did like the name Geraldine.
Hi. I'm the bass fiddle. Just call me Daphne.
My name is Josephine. Sax.
-Welcome to No Man's Land. -You'll be sorry.
-Take off your corsets and spread out. -Oh l don't wear one myself.
-Don't you bulge? -Bulge? Me?
l have the most divine seamstress. Comes in just once a month.
-She is so inexpensive and she told... -Come on Daphne.
Say do you know the one about the girl tuba player
who was stranded on an island with a one-legged jockey?
-No. How does it go? -Cut it out girls. No rough talk.
They went to a conservatory.
How about that talent huh?
-Like fallin' into a tub of butter. -Watch it Daphne.
When l was a kid Joe l dreamed l was locked up overnight in a pastry shop.
And there was goodies all around.
Jelly rolls mocha lairs and Boston cream pie and cherry tarts...
Listen to me: no butter no pastry. We're on a diet.
Yeah sure Joe.
Not there. That's the emergency brake.
Now you've done it.
-Done what? -You tore off one of my chests.
-You'd better go get it fixed. -You'd better come help me.
This way Daphne.
Now you tore the other one.
Terribly sorry.
It's OK. l was scared it was Sweet Sue.
-You won't tell anybody will you? -Tell what?
lf they catch me once more they'll kick me out of the band.
Are you the replacement for the bass and sax?
That's us. And I'm Daphne.
This is Joe... sephine.
Come in.
I'm Sugar Cane.
-Sugar Cane? -l changed it from Sugar Kowalczyk.
-Polish? -Yes. l come from this musical family.
My mother's a piano teacher. My father was a conductor.
-Where did he conduct? -On the Baltimore and Ohio.
l play the ukulele and l sing too.
l don't have much of a voice but this isn't much of a band either.
I'm only with them cos I'm running away.
-Running away from what? -Oh don't get me started on that.
Hey you want some? It's bourbon.
I'll take a rain check.
l don't want you to think I'm a drinker.
l can stop if l want to only l don't want to.
-Especially when I'm blue. -We understand.
All the girls drink. But I'm the one that gets caught. Story of my life.
l always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Are my seams straight?
I'll say.
-See you around girls. -Bye Sugar.
We have been playing with the wrong bands.
-Down Daphne. -See the shape of that liquor cabinet?
Forget it. One false move and we're off the train.
Then it's the police the papers and the Mob in Chicago.
Boy would l love to borrow a cup of that Sugar.
Look...
No pastry no butter -and no Sugar.
You tore 'em again.
Hey Sheboygan. What was your last job? Playing square dances?
No. Funerals.
Would you mind rejoining the living? Goose it up a little.
We'll try.
How did those holes get there?
Those?
l don't know.
Mice?
All right girls. Let's take it from the top. And put a little heat under it.
Bienstock!
Yes Sue?
l thought l made it clear that l don't want any drinking in this outfit.
All right girls. Who does this belong to?
Come on now. Speak up.
-Sugar l warned you... -Please Mr Bienstock.
I've had it. ln Kansas you smuggled liquor in a shampoo bottle.
Before that you had a pint in your ukelele...
Mr Bienstock could l have my flask?
Sure. Pack your things. At the next station...
Your flask?
Yes. Just a little bourbon. Must have slipped through.
Give me that.
Didn't you girls say you went to a conservatory?
-Oh yes. For a whole year. -l thought you said three years.
We got time off for good behaviour.
There are two things l will not put up
with during working hours: liquor and men.
-Men? -Don't worry about that.
We wouldn't be caught dead with men.
Rough hairy beasts with eight hands.
And they all just want one thing from a girl.
l beg your pardon miss.
All right girls. From the top again.
-Hortense dear good night. -Good night Daphne.
Maude sweet dreams.
-Good night Daphne. -Good night Gloria.
Dolores you sleep tight you hear?
-Nighty-night Emily. -Toodle-oo.
How about that "toodle-oo".
Steady boy. Just keep tellin' yourself you're a girl.
-I'm a girl. -You're a girl.
I'm a girl. I'm a girl.
I'm a...
Get a load of that rhyzhm section.
I'm a girl.
I'm a girl. I'm a girl.
I'm a girl.
Good night Sugar.
Good night honey.
Honey? Hey she called me "honey".
Ooh honey.
-What are you doin'? -Just makin' sure honey stays in her hive.
There'll be no buzzin' around tonight.
Supposin' l gotta go... like for a drink of water or something.
-Fight it. -Well suppose l lose.
-Suppose it's an emergency. -Pull the emergency brake.
Hey Bienstock. You know there's something funny about those new girls.
-Funny? ln what way? -l don't know but l can feel it right here.
Having an ulcer is like having a burglar alarm go off inside you.
You watch your ulcers I'll watch those two.
OK everybody go to bed. Good night girls.
-Good night Daphne. -Good night Josephine.
I'm a girl. I'm a girl.
l wish l were dead.
I'm a girl... I'm a girl... I'm a girl...
Daphne.
Sugar.
l wanted to thank you for covering up for me. You're a real pal.
It's nothing.
l just thought that us girls should stick together.
lf it wasn't for you they'd have kicked me off the train.
I'd be out in the middle of nowhere sitting on my ukulele.
It's freezing outside.
l mean when l think about you and your poor ukulele...
lf there's ever anyzhing l can do for you...
l can think of a million things.
That's one of 'em.
It's Sweet Sue.
l don't want her to know we're in cahoots.
Oh well we won't tell anybody. Not even Josephine.
Maybe I'd better stay here till she goes back to sleep.
You stay here as long as you like.
I'm not crowding you am l?
No. It's nice and cosy.
When l was a little girl on cold nights like
this I'd crawl into bed with my sister.
We'd cuddle up under the covers and pretend we were lost in a dark cave
and were trying to find our way out.
Very interesting.
-Anyzhing wrong? -No no. Not a thing.
You poor thing. You're trembling all over.
That's ridiculous.
-Your head's hot. -That's ridiculous.
-You've got cold feet. -Isn't that ridiculous?
Here let me warm them up a little.
-There. Isn't that better? -Yes. I'm a girl... I'm a girl...
-What? -I'm a very sick girl.
-I'd better go before l catch something. -Not that sick.
I've got very low resistance.
Sugar if you feel you're coming down with something my dear,
the best thing in the world is a shot of whiskey.
-You've got some? -l know where to get it.
Don't move.
-Hold on. -OK.
Up. Up.
-Are you all right? -I'm fine.
-How's the bottle? -Half-full.
-You'd better get some cups. -Cups?
Oh l tell you my dear this is the only way to travel.
Put on the lights. l can't see what I'm doing.
No lights. We don't want them to know.
-But l might spill some. -So spill it.
Spills thrills laughs and games.
This may even turn out to be a surprise party.
-What's the surprise? -Not yet.
-When? -Better have a drink first.
That'll put hair on your chest.
No fair guessing.
Is this a private clambake?
It's private. Please go away.
Dolores do you still have that vermouth?
-Sure. -Who needs vermouth?
We've got bourbon. We can make Manhattans.
Manhattans? At this time of night?
-Bring the cocktail shaker. -Oh Sugar.
You're gonna spoil my surprise.
-Hey honey what's up? -Party in upper 7.
-I'll get cheese and crackers. -I'll get a shaker you get a corkscrew.
Hey Rosella there's a party in upper 7.
-You got a corkscrew? -Stella has.
Go get some paper cups.
Hey there's a party in upper 7.
-Here's the vermouth. -This is a private party. Please go away.
l brought some cheese and crackers.
-Will ten cups be enough? -This is a party for two. Ten cups?
-Please girls. Will you stop this? -Could you use some Southern Comfort?
Girls you'll wake up the neighbours downstairs.
Watch that corkscrew.
-Here's a cracker. -No crackers in bed.
Will you girls go away and form your own party?
Here's the cocktail shaker.
-I wish we had ice. -Easy on the vermouth.
13 girls in a berth is bad luck. 12 of you will have to get out.
-Pass me the peanut butter. -Anyone for salami?
No more food. I'll have ants in the morning.
Hey. Have you got any maraschino cherries on you?
Never mind.
Maraschino cherries?
What's going on here?
Daphne. Daphne where are you?
It's not my fault. l didn't invite 'em.
Come on girls break it up.
You heard Josephine. Girls. Everybody out.
-Not you Sugar. -I'm going to get some ice.
Get out.
That's right Sugar. Now the rest of you. Out.
-Come on in. The water's fine. -Have a Manhattan.
-Pipe down. We'll all be fired. -Sugar. Don't leave me here alone.
Come on kids. It's two o'clock.
You've had your fun. The party's over. Everybody go home.
-What's this? -Josephine over here before it melts.
Put it here.
Sugar you're gonna get into a lot of trouble.
You'd better keep a lookout.
lf Bienstock catches you again...
What's the matter with you anyway?
I'm not very bright l guess.
l wouldn't say that. Careless maybe.
No just dumb. lf l had any brains,
l wouldn't be with this crummy girls' band.
Well why'd you take this job?
l used to sing with male bands but l can't afford it any more.
Have you ever been with a male band?
Who me?
That's what I'm running away from.
l worked with six in the last two years. Oh brother.
-Rough? -I'll say.
-You can't trust those guys. -l can't trust myself.
l have this thing about saxophone players.
Especially tenor sax.
-Really? -l don't know why but they curdle me.
All they have to do is play eight bars of "Come To Me My Melancholy Baby"
and l get goose-pimply all over,
and l come to 'em.
-That so? -Every time.
You know l play tenor sax.
But you're a girl -thank goodness. That's why l joined this band.
Safety first. Anyzhing to get away from those bums.
You don't know what they're like. You fall for 'em.
You think this is gonna be the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin.
The next thing you know they're borrowing money from you,
spending it on other dames and betting on horses.
You don't say.
Then one morning you wake up the guy's gone the sax's gone.
All that's left is a pair of old socks
and a tube of toothpaste all squeezed out.
You pull yourself together you go on to the next job
the next saxophone player.
It's the same thing all over again.
You see what l mean? Not very bright.
Brains aren't everyzhing.
l can tell you one thing. It's not gonna happen to me again -ever.
I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
lce. What's keeping the ice? The natives are getting restless.
-How about a couple of drinks for us? -Sure.
-You know I'm gonna be 25 in June. -You are?
That's a quarter of a century. Makes a girl think.
-About what? -The future.
You know -like a husband. That's why I'm glad we're going to Florida.
-What's in Florida? -Millionaires. Flocks of them.
They all go south for the winter like birds.
-Gonna catch yourself a rich bird? -l don't care how rich he is.
As long as he has a yacht a private railroad car and his own toothpaste.
-You're entitled. -Maybe you'll meet one too Josephine.
With money like Rockefeller and shoulders like Johnny Weissmuller.
-l want mine to wear glasses. -Glasses?
Men who wear glasses are so much more gentle and sweet and helpless.
-Haven't you ever noticed it? -Yeah now that you mention.
They get those weak eyes from reading.
Those long tiny little columns in The Wall Street Journal.
That bass fiddle she sure knows how to throw a party.
Hot-diggety-dog.
Well happy days.
l hope this time you wind up with the sweet end of the lollipop.
So the one-legged jockey said...
What did he say?
So the one-legged jockey said:
"Don't worry about me baby. l ride side-saddle."
I'm terribly sorry. l seem to have hiccups.
Hey let's rub some ice on her neck.
l think... Ow. You dropped it.
Oh that's cold.
-Oh no please. Don't do that. -She's ticklish.
Help. Please. Help. Help. Josephine.
Please stop that. Stop that.
-What happened? -Search me.
l mean I'll see.
All right what's goin' on around here?
Bienstock!
Are we in Florida?
Sugar?
Here. I'll carry the instruments.
-Thank you Daphne. -Thank you Daphne.
Isn't she a sweetheart?
How do you do?
-Zowie! -There they are. More millionaires than you can shake a stick at.
l bet there isn't one under 75.
That's three quarters of a century. Makes a girl think.
Let's hope they brought their grandsons along.
Yes.
Pardon me miss.
-May l? -Help yourself.
I'm Osgood Fielding the Third.
I'm Cinderella the Second.
lf there's one thing l admire it's a girl with a shapely ankle.
Me too. Bye-bye.
-Let me carry one of the instruments. -Oh thank you.
Aren't you a sweetheart.
lt certainly is delightful having young blood around here.
Personally I'm type O.
I've always been fascinated by show business.
ls that so?
As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
-Oh you invest in shows? -Showgirls.
I've been married seven or eight times.
-You're not sure? -Mama is keeping score.
-She's getting annoyed with me. -l wouldn't wonder.
So when George White's Scandals opened she packed me off to Florida.
She thinks I'm out on my yacht deep-sea fishing.
Well pull in your reel Mr Fielding. You're barking up the wrong fish.
lf l promise not to be a naughty boy how about dinner?
-I'm sorry. I'll be on the bandstand. -Oh of course.
-Which instrument do you play? -Bull fiddle.
Oh fascinating.
Do you use a bow or do you just pluck it?
Most of the time l slap it.
You must be quite a girl.
Wanna bet?
My last wife was an acrobatic dancer. Sort of a contortionist.
She could smoke a cigarette while holding it between her toes.
Zowie!
-But Mama broke it up. -Why?
She doesn't approve of girls who smoke.
-Bye-bye Mr Fielding. -Bye-bye?
-This is where l get off. -Oh no. No no no.
You don't get off that easy.
All right driver. Once around the park slowly.
And keep your eyes on the road.
What kind of a girl do you think l am Mr Fielding?
-Oh please. lt won't happen again. -I'll say.
-Please come back. -I'll walk thank you.
Please miss...
Zowie!
All right girls. Here are your room assignments.
My glasses. Where are my glasses?
Olga and Mary Lou are in 41 2.
And Mary Lou do up your kimono when you ring for room service.
Josephine and Daphne are in 41 3.
-Dolores and Sugar in 414.
Me and Sugar?
What did you expect? A one-legged jockey?
Rosella and Emily in 415...
-l wish they'd put us in the same room. -So do l.
But don't worry about it Sugar. We'll see a lot of each other.
414... That's the same room number l had in Cincinnati,
my last time around with a male band.
What a heel he was.
-A saxophone player? -What else? Was l ever crazy about him.
At two in the morning he sent me down for hot dogs and potato salad.
They were out of potato salad so l brought coleslaw.
-So he threw it right in my face. -Forget saxophone players.
You're gonna meet a millionaire -a young one.
-What makes you so sure? -My feminine intuition.
Oh. Are these your bags?
-And that one too. -OK doll.
-l suppose you want a tip. -Forget it doll.
After all you work here and l work here.
It's nice to have you with the organisation.
-Bye-bye. -Listen doll.
-What time do you get off tonight? -Why?
I'm workin' the night shift and l got a bottle of gin stashed away.
-When there's a lull... -Aren't you a little young for that sonny?
Oh you wanna see my driver's licence?
-Get lost will you? -That's the way l like 'em -big and sassy.
Oh and... get rid of your roommate.
-Dirty old man. -What happened?
-l got pinched in the elevator. -See how the other half lives?
I'm not even pretty.
They don't care. You're wearing a skirt.
It's like waving a red flag to a bull.
I'm sick of being the flag. l wanna be a bull again.
-Let's blow. -Blow where?
You promised me that the minute we hit Florida we'd beat it.
-How can we? We're broke. -We can find another band. A male band.
Spats Colombo is looking for us in every male band in the country.
-It's humiliating. -So you got pinched. So what?
Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?
But how long can we keep this up?
What's the beef? We're sittin' pretty.
Look. We get room and board. We're getting paid every week. Look.
Look at the palm trees flying fish...
What are you givin' me with flyin' fish?
l know why you wanna stay. You're after Sugar.
-Me after Sugar? -l saw the both of you in that bus.
All lovey-dovey and whisperin' and borrowin' each other's lipstick.
-What are you saying? Me and Sugar? -You and Sugar.
-We're just like sisters. -Well I'm your fairy godmother.
And I'm gonna keep an eye on you.
Are you decent?
Come in.
You girls seen a brown bag with a white stripe and my initials?
lt has all my resort clothes.
-No we haven't. -l can't understand it.
First my glasses disappear then one of my suitcases.
-Where's my ukulele? -Now a ukulele.
-There must be a sneak thief around here. -Oh. Here it is. Hi Sug.
-We're going for a swim. Coming? -A swim. Oh you betcha.
You haven't got a bathing suit.
l don't have one either.
She doesn't have one either. You don't?
-We can rent some at the bathhouse.-How about you Josephine?
-l think I'll soak in a hot tub. -No, Thanks.
-On a day like this? It's lovely out. -Yeah well let her soak. Come on.
-Don't get burned Daphne. -Oh I've got suntan lotion.
See? She'll rub it on me I'll rub it on her we'll rub it on each other. Bye-bye.
Daphne. Cut it out. What do you think you're doing?
Just a little trick l picked up in the elevator.
Ooh look out. Here comes a big one.
Daphne. l had no idea you were such a big girl.
You should've seen me before l went on a diet.
l mean your shoulders and your arms.
It's carrying that bull fiddle around.
-There's one thing l envy you for. -What's that?
You're so flat-chested.
Clothes hang better on you than they do on me.
Watch out Daphne.
Sugar come on. Let's play ball.
Junior time for your nap.
No. l wanna play.
You heard your mother Junior. Scram!
This beach ain't big enough for the both of us.
Mommy!
Here we go.
l like coffee l like tea.
How many boys are stuck on me?
One two three,
four five six seven...
I'm terribly sorry. You're not hurt are you?
-l don't think so. -l wish you'd make sure.
Because when people find out who l am,
they hire a shyster lawyer and sue me for three quarters of a million dollars.
-l won't sue you no matter who you are. -Thank you.
-Who are you? -Now really!
Sugar!
Come on.
Honestly.
Cheerio.
-Haven't l seen you somewhere before? -Not very likely.
-Are you staying at the hotel? -Not at all.
Your face is familiar.
You may have seen it in newspapers or magazines.
-Vanity Fair. -That must be it.
Would you mind moving a little? You're blocking my view.
Of what?
They run up a red-and-white flag on the yacht when it's time for cocktails.
You own a yacht?
Which one is it? The big one?
Certainly not.With all the world unrest,
nobody should have a yacht that sleeps more than 12.
l quite agree.
Tell me who runs up that flag?
-Your wife? -No my flag steward.
Who mixes the cocktails? Your wife?
No my cocktail steward.
Look if you're interested in whether l am married or not...
-Oh I'm not interested at all. -Well I'm not.
That's very interesting.
-How's the stock market? -Up up up.
I'll bet while we were talking you made $100,000?
Could be. You play the market?
-No the ukulele. And l sing too. -For your own amusement?
We are appearing at the hotel.
Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators.
-You're society girls. -Oh yes quite. Bryn Mawr Vassar...
We're just doing this for a lark.
Syncopators. Does that mean you play that very fast music... jazz?
Yeah. Real hot.
l guess some like it hot. l personally prefer classical music.
l do too.
As a matter of fact l spent three years at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music.
Good school. Your family doesn't object to your career?
They do indeed. Daddy threatened to cut me off without a cent.
But l don't care. lt was such a bore.
-Coming-out parties. -lnauguration balls.
-Opening at the opera. -Riding to hounds.
And always the same 400.
It's amazing we never ran into each other before.
I'd have remembered anybody as attractive as you.
You're very kind. I'll bet you're also gentle and helpless.
l beg your pardon?
You see l have a theory about men who wear glasses.
-What theory? -I'll tell you when l know you better.
-What are you doing tonight? -Tonight?
Maybe you could come to the hotel and hear us play.
-I'd like to but that would be difficult. -Why?
l only come ashore twice a day when the tide goes out.
It's on account of these shells. That's my hobby.
-You collect shells? -So did my father and grandfather.
You might say we had a passion for shells.
That's why we named the oil company after it.
-Shell Oil? -Please no names. Just call me Junior.
Sugar!
Time to change for dinner.
Run along Daphne dear. I'll catch up with you later.
What young lady? What are you staring at?
Happens to me all the time.
l recognised him too. His picture was in Vanity Fair.
-Would you move along please? -Yes. You're in his way.
He's waiting for a signal from his yacht.
His yacht?
lt sleeps 1 2. This is my friend Daphne. She's a Vassar girl.
I'm a what?
Or was it Bryn Mawr?
l heard a very sad story about a girl who went to Bryn Mawr.
She squealed on her roommate
and they found her strangled with her own brassiere.
Yes. We have to be very careful whom we pick for a roommate. Hm?
Well l think I'd better be going.
lt was delightful meeting you both.
-You will come and hear us play? -lf it's at all possible.
Do come. lt'll be such fun.
-And bring your yacht. -Come on Daphne.
-How about that guy?! -Hands off. l saw him first.
Sugar a little advice. lf l were a girl and l am I'd watch my step.
lf I'd been watching my step l never would have met him.
-l can't wait to tell Josephine. -Yeah Josephine...
l can't wait to see her face. Will she be surprised.
Neither can l. Let's go tell her right now.
-We don't have to run. -Oh yes we do.
Josephine. Yoo-hoo.
-l guess she's not here. -Isn't that funny. Josie!
l can't imagine where she'd be.
-I'll be back later. -Oh no. You wait.
l have a feeling she'll show up any minute.
-Believe it or not Josephine predicted it. -Yes. This is one for Ripley.
-Do you suppose she went shopping? -Shopping. That's it.
Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand-new outfit.
-Josephine. -Oh. l didn't hear you come in.
-Have a good time girls? -The most wonderful thing happened.
-What? -Guess.
-They repealed Prohibition? -Oh you can do better than that.
-l met one of them. -One of whom?
Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions glasses and a yacht.
You don't say.
He's not only got a yacht. He's got a bicycle.
Daphne.
Go on. Tell me all about him.
Well he's young and he's handsome. He's a bachelor.
He's a real gentleman. You know. Not one of these grabbers.
Maybe you'd better go after him if you don't want to lose him.
I'm not gonna let this one get away. He's so cute. He collects shells.
Shells? Whatever for?
Oh you know. The old shell game?
Daphne you're bothering us.
-Anyway you're gonna meet him tonight. -l am?
He said he'd come to hear us play -maybe.
What do you mean maybe?
l saw the way he looked at you. He'll be there for sure.
l hope so.
What do you think Josephine? What does your crystal ball say?
Sugar. ls Sugar in here?
Sugar you got the key? I'm locked out and I'm makin' a puddle in the hall.
See you on the bandstand girls.
What are you tryin' to do to that girl puttin' on a millionaire act?
And that phoney accent? Nobody talks like that.
I've seen you pull some low tricks on women.
This is without doubt the trickiest lowest meanest...
I'm not afraid of you.
I'm thin but I'm wiry.
You're gonna get hurt. When I'm aroused I'm a tiger.
Joe. Don't look at me like that.
lt was all a joke. l didn't mean any harm.
I'm gonna press the suit myself. Telephone.
Answer the tele...phone.
Hello?
Yes this is 413.
Ship to shore? All right I'll take it.
Daphne? It's that naughty boy again.
You know -Osgood? ln the elevator?
You slapped my face?
-Who is this? -This is her roommate.
Daphne can't talk right now. ls it urgent?
Well it is to me. Will you give her a message?
Tell her I'd like her to have supper
with me on my yacht after the show tonight.
Got it. Supper yacht after the show. I'll tell her.
-Your yacht? -The New Caledonia. That's its name.
The Old Caledonia went down during a wild party off Cape Hatteras.
But tell her not to worry.
This'll be a quiet little midnight snack just the two of us.
Just the two of you? What about the crew?
That's all been taken care of. I'm giving them shore leave.
We'll have cold pheasant with champagne.
I've checked with the coastguard. There's gonna be a full moon tonight.
And tell her I've got a new batch of Rudy Vallee records.
That's good thinking. Daphne's a pushover for him.
Pushover for who? What...
Yes Mr Fielding.
You'll pick her up after the show in your motorboat. Goodbye.
What's that you said?
"Zowie." I'll give her the message.
What message? What motorboat?
You got it made. Fielding wants to have cold pheasant with you on his yacht.
Just the three of you on that great big boat.
You him and Rudy Vallee.
Fat chance. Call him back and say I'm not goin'.
Of course you're not.
I'm going.
You're gonna be on the boat with that dirty old man?
I'm gonna be on the boat with Sugar.
-Where's he gonna be? -He's gonna be ashore with you.
-With me? -That's right.
Oh no. Not tonight Josephine.
Daphne your boyfriend's waving at you.
You can both go take a flyin' jump.
Remember he's your date for tonight so smile.
Oh you can do better than that. Give him the teeth the whole personality.
Why do l let you talk me into these things? Why?
Because we're pals. The two musketeers.
Don't give me the musketeers. How am l gonna keep him ashore?
Tell him you get seasick. Play miniature golf with him.
Oh no. I'm not gonna get caught in a miniature sand trap with that guy.
Hi. Which of you dolls is Daphne?
Bull fiddle.
From satchel mouth at table seven.
-This is from me to you doll. -Beat it buster.
Never mind leaving your door open. l got a passkey.
-What are you doin' with my flowers? -Borrowing 'em. You'll get 'em back.
l guess he's not gonna show up. It's five minutes to one.
-Do you suppose he forgot? -You know how those millionaires are.
These came for you.
For me?
It's Shell Oil.
-No! -Yes!
He wants to have supper with me on his yacht.
He's picking me up at the pier.
-No! -Yes.
You heard her. yes.
Josephine just imagine. Me Sugar Kowalczyk from Sandusky Ohio,
on a millionaire's yacht.
lf my mother could only see me now.
l hope my mother never finds out.
That's it for tonight. This is Sweet Sue saying good night,
reminding all you daddies out there
that every girl in my band is a virtuoso.
And l intend to keep it that way.
-Good luck. -Thanks.
But it's such a waste. A full moon an empty yacht.
-I'll throw up. -Then let's go dancing.
There's a roadhouse down the coast...
Well I'll be.... He does have a bicycle.
Who?
About the roadhouse?
They have a Cuban band that's the berries.
Let's go there blindfold the orchestra and tango till dawn.
-You know something Mr Fielding? -What?
You're dynamite.
You're a pretty hot little firecracker yourself.
Ahoy there.
Ahoy.
-Been waiting long? -It's not how long you wait.
-It's who you're waiting for. -Thank you. And for the flowers.
l wanted them to fly orchids from our greenhouse
but Long lsland is fogged in.
It's the thought that counts.
l seem to be out of gas.
It's sort of funny you being out of gas. l mean Shell Oil and everyzhing.
Oops. There.
lt seems to be stuck in reverse.
l just got this motorboat. It's an an experimental model.
lt seems like they're on the wrong track.
Do you mind riding backwards? lt may take a little longer.
It's not how long it takes. It's who's taking you.
lt looked so small from the beach.
But when you're on it it's like a cruiser or a destroyer.
It's just regulation-size. We have three.
Mother keeps hers in Southampton.
Daddy's is in Venezuela. The company is laying a new pipeline.
My dad's more interested in railroads. Baltimore and Ohio.
Which is the port and which is the starboard?
That depends on whether you're coming or going.
l mean normally the aft is on the other side of the stern.
And that's the bridge. So that you can get
from one side of the boat to the other.
-Would you like a glass of champagne? -Love it. Which way?
-You have an upstairs and a downstairs. -Yes the hurricane cellar.
And another nice thing about this yacht -lots of closet space.
Now let me see. Where do you suppose the steward set it up?
ln here.
Of course. How silly of me.
On Thursdays they always serve me in the small salon.
It's exquisite. Like a floating mansion.
It's all right for a bachelor.
-What a beautiful fish. -l caught him off Cape Hatteras.
What is it?
It's a member of the herring family.
A herring?
Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars?
They shrink when they're marinated.
-Champagne? -l don't mind if l do.
Well down the hatch as we say at sea.
Bon voyage.
-Look at all that silverware. -Trophies.
You know. Skeet shooting dog breeding water polo.
Isn't water polo terribly dangerous?
I'll say. l had two ponies drowned under me.
Where's your shell collection?
Yes of course. Where could they have put it?
You see on Thursdays I'm sort of lost around here.
-What's on Thursdays? -It's the crew's night off.
-You mean we're alone on the boat? -Completely.
I've never been completely alone with a man in the middle of the night,
-in the middle of the ocean. -Oh it's perfectly safe.
We're anchored. The ship's in shipshape shape.
The coastguard will call if any icebergs appear.
It's not the icebergs.
But certain men would try to take advantage of a situation like this.
-You're flattering me. -Of course I'm sure you're a gentleman.
It's not that. It's just that I'm harmless.
-Harmless? How? -l don't know how to put it,
but I've got this thing about girls.
-What thing? -They just sort of leave me cold.
You mean like frigid?
Well it's more like a mental block.
When I'm with a girl it does absolutely nothing to me.
-Have you tried? -Have l. I'm trying all the time.
See? Nothing.
-Nothing at all? -Complete washout.
-That makes me feel just awful. -My dear it's not your fault.
Now and then Mother Nature throws somebody a dirty curve.
Something goes wrong inside.
-You mean you can't fall in love? -Not any more.
l was in love once but I'd rather not talk about it.
-Would you like a little cold pheasant? -What happened?
-l don't want to bore you. -You couldn't possibly.
Well...
lt was my freshman year at Princeton.
There was this girl. Her name was Nellie.
Her father was the vice president of Hupmobile.
She wore glasses too.
That summer we were at the Grand Canyon.
We were on the highest ledge watching the sunset,
when suddenly we got this impulse to kiss.
l took off my glasses. She took off her glasses.
l took a step toward her.
She took a step toward me.
Yes. Eight hours later they brought her up by mule.
l gave her three transfusions. We had the same type blood -type O.
But it was too late.
Talk about sad.
Ever since then,
numb no feelings like my heart was shot full of Novocain.
You poor poor boy.
Yes. All the money in the world and what good is it?
Mint sauce or cranberries?
How can you think about food at a time like this?
What else is there for me?
-ls it that hopeless? -My family did everyzhing they could.
Hired the most beautiful French upstairs maids.
Got a special tutor to read me books that were banned in Boston.
lmported a troupe of Balinese dancers
with those bells on their ankles and long fingernails.
What a waste of money.
Have you ever tried American girls?
Why?
Was that anyzhing?
Thanks just the same.
You should see a doctor, a good doctor.
l have. l spent six months in Vienna with Professor Freud flat on my back.
Then there were the Mayo brothers injections hypnosis mineral baths.
lf l wasn't such a coward I'd kill myself.
Don't say that.
There must be some girl someplace that could...
lf l ever found a girl that could I'd marry her just like that.
-Would you do me a favour? -Certainly. What is it?
l may not be Dr Freud or a Mayo brother
or one of those French upstairs girls,
but could l take another crack at it?
All right if you insist.
-Anyzhing this time? -I'm afraid not.
-Terribly sorry. -Would you like some more champagne?
Maybe if we had some music. How do you dim these lights?
Look it's terribly sweet of you to want to help out but it's no use.
l think the light switch is over there.
That's the radio.
It's like taking someone to a concert when he's tone-deaf.
You're not giving yourself a chance.
Don't fight it.
Relax.
It's like smoking without inhaling.
So inhale.
Daphne,
-you're leading again. -Sorry.
Well?
I'm not quite sure.
Would you try it again?
l got a funny sensation in my toes.
Like someone was barbecuing them over a slow flame.
Let's throw another log on the fire.
l think you're on the right track.
l must be. Your glasses are beginning to steam up.
l never knew it could be like this.
Thank you.
They told me l was kaput finished all washed up.
And here you are making a chump out of all those experts.
Mineral baths. Now really.
Where did you learn to kiss like that?
l used to sell kisses for the Milk Fund.
Tomorrow remind me to send a cheque for $100,000 to the Milk Fund.
Whoops.
-Good night. -Good morning.
How much do l owe the Milk Fund so far?
$850,000.
Let's make it an even million.
l forgot to give you a receipt.
Hi Jerry. Everyzhing under control?
Have l got things to tell you.
-What happened? -I'm engaged.
Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
l am.
What?
Osgood proposed to me. We're planning a June wedding.
What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood.
-Do you think he's too old for me? -Jerry you can't be serious.
Why not? He keeps marryin' girls all the time.
But... you're not a girl. You're a guy.
And why would a guy wanna marry a guy?
Security.
-Jerry lie down. You're not well. -Stop treatin' me like a child.
I'm not stupid. l know there's a problem.
I'll say there is.
His mother. We need her approval.
But I'm not worried because l don't smoke.
-Jerry there's another problem. -Like what?
-Like your honeymoon. -We've been discussing that.
He wants to go to the Riviera but l kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.
Jerry you're outta your mind. You can't get away with this.
l don't expect it to last. I'll tell him the truth when the time comes.
-Like when? -Like right after the ceremony.
Then we get a quick annulment he makes a nice settlement on me
and l keep gettin' those alimony cheques every month.
Jerry listen to me.
There are laws conventions. It's just not been done.
Joe this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire.
Jerry will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing will you?
Just keep telling yourself you're a boy.
-I'm a boy. -That's the boy.
I'm a boy I'm a boy I'm a...
l wish l were dead. I'm a boy. Boy oh boy am l a boy.
What about my engagement present?
-What engagement present? -Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Hey these are real diamonds.
Of course they're real. You think my fianc?is a bum?
l guess I'll have to give it back to him.
Wait a minute Jerry. Let's not be hasty.
After all we don't wanna hurt Osgood's feelings.
-Just a minute. -It's me. Sugar.
Come in.
l thought l heard voices.
l had to talk to somebody. l don't feel like going to sleep.
-What you need is a slug of bourbon. -Oh no. I'm off that stuff for good.
-Did you have a nice time? -Nice?
lt was suicidally beautiful.
Did he get fresh?
Of course not. As a matter of fact it was just the other way around.
-You see he needs help. -What for?
Talk about elegant. You should see the yacht.
Candlelight mint sauce and cranberries.
Gee l wish I'd been there.
I'm going to see him again tonight -and every night.
l think he's going to propose.
-As soon as he gets up his nerve. -That's some nerve.
Daphne got a proposal tonight.
-Really? -From a rich millionaire.
That's wonderful.
-Poor Josephine. -Me?
Well Daphne has a beau l have a beau...
lf we could only find somebody for you.
Here l am doll.
"Friends of ltalian Opera" that's us.
Register over there.
Spats Colombo. Delegate from Chicago. South Side Chapter.
Thanks.
Hiya Spats.
-We was layin' 8-1 you wouldn't show. -Why wouldn't l?
We thought you was all broken up about Toothpick Charlie.
-We all gotta go sometime. -Yeah. You never know who's next.
OK Spats. Report to the sergeant at arms.
-What for? -Orders from Little Bonaparte.
-All right Spats get your hands up. -What's the idea?
Little Bonaparte don't want no hardware around.
All right you're clean.
You're not.
lt ain't loaded.
Next. What's in here?
My golf clubs. Putter niblick No.3 iron.
-What's this? -My mashie.
See you at the banquet Spats.
Where did you pick up that cheap trick?
Come on boys.
Well. Spats Colombo if l ever saw one.
Hello copper. What brings you to Florida?
l heard you opera-lovers were meetin'.
Thought I'd come in case anybody decided to sing.
Big joke.
Where were you at 3pm on St Valentine's Day?
-l was at Rigoletto. -What's his first name and address?
It's an opera you ignoramus.
Where they play? ln the garage on Clark Street?
Clark Street? Never heard of it.
Ever hear of Deluxe Cleaners on Wabash Avenue?
Why?
The day after the shoot you sent in spats with blood on 'em.
l cut myself while shaving.
-You shave with spats on? -l sleep with my spats on.
Stop kidding. You vulcanised Toothpick Charlie and we know it.
You and who else?
Me and those two witnesses you have been lookin' for all over Chicago.
Boys know anyzhing about any garage or witnesses?
Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.
Honest.
Don't worry Spats. One of these days we're gonna dig up those two guys.
That's what you'll have to do -dig 'em up.
l feel like such a tramp taking jewellery from a man under false pretences.
Get it while you're young. Fix your lips if you wanna look nice for Osgood.
lt'll break his heart when he finds out l can't marry him.
lt'll break Sugar's heart when she finds out I'm not a millionaire.
Can't make an omelette without breakin' an egg.
-What's with the omelette? -Nag nag nag.
We got a yacht a bracelet you've got Osgood I've got Sugar.
We'll be cookin'.
-Joe! -What?
Something tells me the omelette is about to hit the fan.
Come on Daphne.
-Going up. -Hold it.
Three please.
l don't mean to be forward,
but ain't l had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before?
-Oh no. -You must mean two other broads.
-You ever been in Chicago? -Us?
We wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago.
Third floor.
-What floor are you on sweetie? -Never you mind.
Room 413. We'll be in touch.
Don't call us. We'll call you.
l tell you Joe they're onto us.
They're gonna line us up against the wall and...
The cops will find two dead dames and take us to the morgue
and when they undress us I'll die of shame.
-Shut up and keep packing. -Yeah. OK Joe.
-Not that you idiot. -They're from Osgood.
He wanted me to wear 'em tonight.
l tell you l will never find another man who's so good to me.
Joe if we get outta this hotel alive we'll sell
this bracelet take the money,
grab a boat to South America and hide out in a banana republic.
l figured if we eat nothing but bananas we could live there for 50 years.
lf we get outta the hotel alive.
-Did we forget anyzhing? -Yeah. The shaving stuff.
-And also Sugar. -Sugar?
-Give me room 414. -What are you doin'?
-Making a telephone call. -Who has time?
We can't walk out on her without a goodbye.
You usually walk out and leave 'em with a kick in the teeth.
That's when l was a saxophone player. Now I'm a millionaire.
Mail her a postcard. Those gorillas may be here any minute.
Room 414? This is the ship-to-shore operator.
Ship to shore?
Hey Sugar it's for you. From the yacht.
Hello my dearest darling. It's good to hear your voice.
l may throw up.
No l didn't sleep too well darling. To tell the truth l never closed an eye.
l never slept better. l had the most wonderful dream.
l was still on the yacht and the anchor broke loose.
We drifted for days and days.
You were the captain and l was the crew.
l kept a lookout for icebergs l sorted your shells and mixed your cocktails,
and l wiped the steam off your glasses.
And when l woke up l wanted to swim right back to you.
Yes...
Now about our date for tonight...
I'll meet you on the pier again right after the show.
I'm afraid not. l can't make it tonight.
Not tomorrow either. l have to leave.
Something unexpected came up. I'm sailing right away.
Where to?
South America?
That is unexpected.
You see we have these oil interests in Venezuela.
l just got a cable from Dad. The board of directors have decided on a merger.
A merger? How long will you be gone?
Quite a while.
As a matter of fact I'm not coming back at all.
You're not?
Well it's all rather complicated. What we call high finance.
lt just so happens the president of the Venezuelan oil syndicate
has a daughter...
Oh. That kind of merger.
What is she like?
According to our tax adviser she's only so-so.
But that's the way the oil gushes.
A man in my position has a responsibility to the stockholders.
All those little people who have invested their life savings.
Of course. l understand. At least l think l do.
l knew you would. l only wish there was something l could do for you.
But you have. You've given me all that inside information.
Tomorrow I'm gonna call my broker
and have him buy me 50,000 shares of Venezuelan oil.
Smart move.
By the way did you get my flowers?
You know those orchids from my greenhouse?
The fog finally lifted over Long lsland
and they flew them down this morning.
That's strange. l sent 'em to your room.
They should have been delivered by now.
Hey Dolores will you see if there's any flowers outside?
Yes they're here. White orchids.
l haven't had white orchids since l was a debutante.
What's this?
What's what?
Oh that. Just a little going-away present.
Real diamonds.
They must be worth their weight in gold. Are you always this generous?
Not always.
l wanted you to know how grateful l am for what you did for me.
l didn't do anyzhing. lt just happened.
The navigator just came in. We're ready to cast off.
Well anchors aweigh and have a bon voyage.
lf you need an orchestra to play at your wedding,
we'll be through here in a couple of weeks.
Goodbye my darling.
l don't know about the captain
but the navigator's gettin' his tail outta here.
-Yeah let's shove off. -Wait a minute. My bracelet.
What happened to my bracelet?
Your bracelet? It's ours.
All right. What happened to our bracelet?
We did the right thing with it.
You're not pullin' one of your old tricks.
No tricks no mirrors nothing up my sleeve.
It's on the level this time.
Where's that bourbon?
-What's the matter Sugar? -l don't know. All of a sudden I'm thirsty.
How did you get that bracelet?
-You like it? -l always did.
Junior gave it to me. He's gone to South America to marry another girl.
-That's what you call high finance. -That's what l call a louse.
lf l were you I'd take that bracelet and throw it back in his face.
He's the first nice guy I've met in my life.
The only one that ever gave me anyzhing.
You'll forget him Sugar.
How can l? No matter where l go
there'll always be a Shell station on every corner.
I'll bring this back when it's empty.
Are you crazy? The place is crawlin' with mobsters.
And you're makin' like Diamond Jim Brady.
How are we gonna get outta here? How are we gonna eat?
-We'll walk. lf we have to we'll starve. -There's that "we" again.
Not that way. We don't wanna run into Spats and his chums.
Your hands clean?
Over.
OK button my spats.
You sure dress nice boss.
Say boss. I've been talking with the other delegates.
The word is Little Bonaparte is real sore over
what happened to Toothpick Charlie.
-Him and Charlie was choirboys together. -Stop or I'll bust out cryin'.
He even got Charlie's last toothpick from the garage. Had it gold-plated.
Like l was tellin' you fellas.
Little Bonaparte's gettin' soft. Hasn't got it here any more.
Used to be like a rock.
-It's too bad. l think it's time he retired. -Second the motion.
How are we gonna retire him?
Oh we'll think of somethin' cute.
Little Bonaparte and Toothpick Charlie
will be singin' in the same choir again.
But this time we'll make sure there are no witnesses.
Look. The two broads from the elevator.
Hey. Join us.
What's the matter with those dames?
Maybe those dames ain't dames.
Same faces same instruments.
-Here's your Valentine's card. -The two musicians from the garage.
They wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago
so we'll finish the job here. Come on.
-All right so what do we do now? -First we gotta get out of these clothes.
What happened?
Me and Tiny had them cornered but we lost them in the shuffle.
-Where were you guys? -We was with you at Rigoletto's.
-Why you stupid idiot. -Boss we'll get 'em after the banquet.
They can't be too far away.
Thank you.
Thank you fellow opera-lovers.
It's been ten years since l elected myself president of this organisation,
and if l say so myself you made the right choice.
Let's look at the record. ln the last fiscal year,
we made $1 1 2 million before taxes.
Only we ain't payin' no taxes.
Of course like in every business we had our little misunderstandings.
Let us now observe one minute of silence
in memory of seven of our members from Chicago North Side Chapter,
who are unable to be with us tonight on account of bein' rubbed out.
You too Spats.
Up.
Easy now.
-You know when you come out? -Yeah. Second time they sing:
For he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.
OK.
And don't mess up the cake. l promised to bring back a piece to my kids.
Now fellow delegates,
there comes a time in the life of every business executive
when he starts thinkin' about retirement.
No!
I'm lookin' around for somebody to fill my shoes.
I've been considerin' several candidates.
For instance there's a certain party from Chicago,
South Side Chapter.
Now some people say he's gotten a little too big for his spats.
But l say he's a man who'll go far.
Some people say he's gone too far.
But l say you can't keep a good man down.
Of course he's still got a lot to learn.
The big noise he made on St Valentine's Day,
that wasn't very good for public relations.
And lettin' them two witnesses get away. That sure was careless.
Don't worry about those two. They're as good as dead.
l almost caught up with them today.
You mean you let 'em get away twice?
Some people would say that's real sloppy.
But l say: to err is human to forgive divine.
And just to show you what l think of you Spats,
the boys told me you was gonna have a birthday.
So we baked you a little cake.
My birthday?
Why it ain't for another four months.
So we're a little early. What's a few months between friends?
All right boys. Now all together.
For he's a jolly good fellow.
Which nobody can deny.
For he's a jolly good fellow.
Which nobody can deny.
Big joke.
Let's get outta here.
Get those two guys.
What happened here?
There was somethin' in that cake that didn't agree with 'em.
My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room till l get the recipe.
You wanna make a federal case of it?
Yeah.
They slipped through our hands.
We're watchin' the train station roads and airport. They can't get away.
-Did you hear that? -But they're not watching yachts.
-You're gonna call Osgood. -What'll l tell him?
Tell him you're gonna elope with him.
Elope? But there are laws conventions.
There's a convention all right. There's also the ladies' morgue.
Josephine.
Bienstock!
Hey. That's no dame.
None of that Sugar.
No guy is worth it.
Grab her.
Josephine?
-Osgood's meeting us at the pier. -We're not on the pier yet.
My friend Josephine gonna be a bridesmaid.
-Pleased to meet you. -Come on.
She's so eager.
Wait for Sugar!
-Another bridesmaid? -Flower girl.
-Sugar what are you doing? -l told you I'm not very bright.
Let's go.
You don't want me Sugar.
I'm a liar and a phoney. A saxophone player.
One of those no-goodniks you keep running away from.
l know. Every time.
Sugar do yourself a favour. Go back to the millionaires.
The sweet end of the lollipop,
not the coleslaw in the face and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste.
That's right pour it on. Talk me out of it.
l called Mama. She was so happy she cried.
She wants you to have her wedding gown. It's white lace.
Osgood l can't get married in your mother's dress.
She and l we are not built the same way.
-We can have it altered. -Oh no you don't.
Osgood I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Why not?
Well...
ln the first place I'm not a natural blonde.
Doesn't matter.
l smoke. l smoke all the time.
l don't care.
l have a terrible past.
For three years I've been living with a saxophone player.
l forgive you.
l can never have children.
-We can adopt some. -You don't understand Osgood.
-I'm a man. -Well,
nobody's perfect.